Thanks Doc !!
this was a nice writing but isnt it a little bit personal... i mean haiku - as far as i know - is supposed to recall the image of things in unexpected imagery! maybe? i felt personal message in this piece although a very nice and well done piece... right Doc?! lol
Nice to hear from you Jowel B. When I write haiku, I just put into few words what I perceive at that very moment, might be personal or not, I don't think about it. Maybe you felt my fear about growing old or the fear of losing my grandmother,I don't know.Anyway, thank you for your comment.I appreciate it.
Hi Jowell,Yes, you have a point, but some Japanese Haiku, even by Basho, had some "personal touch" in them. I personally try to keep away from involving the reader in my details.What about if Carla had said:"The autumn leaf in my handReminds me of a grandmother'sWrinkled cheeks"Then we would have both: the sense of aging and death (in all of the natural world) in a non-personal (I don't want to say "impersonal") way, plus the surprise factor in the last line.
I'm very pleased by all your comments. I would like to make the variation as suggested by Dr Jahshan. Thank you all.
If you want to keep the comma/semi-colon (or even a colon) after "hand," I can also suggest this variation:"The autumn leaf in my hand:Wrinkled cheeksOn a grandmother's face"(otherwise the comma is inappropriate)
i believe now that satisfies all parties eh? hehe anyhow u keep on penning and if intrested please visit my page on http://allpoetry.com/inspired%20tortureand maybe u can sign in too... cu there i hope!
I'll be DELIGHTED !!!!!!!!!!Thank you Jowell !!