Have mercy on meit's my first Haiku Kiss
No Mercy !!Books and papers all over the desk;In my handsA heavy head:-)
Nice, for a first time! If I had to comment, I would say it is a little bit self-centered: The first line is good, but the second keeps the reader out of the picture. I'm not saying that one shouldn't talk about oneself in a haiku, but there must be a space for the other to jump in and participate. Basically, a haiku is a tool for enlightenment, and the haiku writer, through his/her own experience (you can and "should" be present, even if obliquely), is helping readers participate in the same moment which so strongly left a mark on him/her. So there must have been, in the first place, a "spark of discovery," something which made you say "aha!" on seeing something or experiencing something. The resulting haiku describes this flash of understanding and also--and this is crucial--attempts to pass on this flash to the reader, who should, ideally, also feel a similar "aha!" for it to be successful.Carla's version gets this right!:-)
Thank you Paul, u r always there when i need you :)As for Carla, i say your 'No Mercy' is so much appreciated. Thank you
Here's Version 1, so the remarks will be useful to those willing to learn. And in case someone will read this post and wonder what was the original post:Books and papers all over the desk; i'm the man holding his headache
I miss these precious haiku lessons!Thanks. About Red haiku, the picture was not very clear to me. It's like a modern abstract painting. Maybe each one should see it differently.