The pale moon;Shattered glass Suddenly becomes a rainbow!Who wants to add? :-)Pascal, I love this game!
Pale moon and a sudden light;Shattered glass beneathbecomes a rainbow!@Carla aren't we supposed to stick to the 17 syllables?Love the game too !!!
Pascal, I suggest you read more about haiku the way I did and still do regularly. Although haiku looks small and easy but it's not. Sometimes it takes years to learn about it. Check in yahoo "How to write haiku" or the Handbooks Paul posted. (The Japanese language is different than the English when it comes to writing with 17 syllables)... Check also Jack Kerouac's POP haiku... Also, it's about reducing words as possible but keeping the meaning, something like that...Good luck my friend! :-)
There's also a blog that I enjoy tremendously http:/Zenhsin.org/haiku/, it's like a treasure box!
First, the image is a little too vague. Where does the "sudden light" come from? Is it from a car? from the sky? from a house? Second, if one of the above, why would you need the "pale moon" in the first place? You need to keep the principle of "economy," i.e., one central image, one central "aha" reaction. "Pale moon" must play a role in the reaction or should be out; same for the sudden light, same for the shattered glass, same for all the elements in a haiku. All should "sing" together one tune and not more.I'm not saying there shouldn't be a moon, but the way you're presenting it, as "pale," suggests something which does not really take place because from line 2 on, neither the moon nor its paleness play any role.Third, maybe inverting the sequence of images (remember this, Carla?) would keep the surprise until the end, i.e., start with the strangely-placed rainbow and build it up until the recognition stage, which is that it was a shattered piece of glass reflecting (which?) passing/sudden light.
I remember :-) . I still always find difficulties with inverting the lines, doubting their sequence of images.. In the last haiku "the race", I decided to remember how the event happened step by step, with one flow, like one wave. First the wind blew, second the leaves started racing (because of the wind) and third I heard the rustled leaves' sound, like an echo. But is 'the race of the leaves' or 'their sound' the surprise, I don't know. I think I had to choose. I liked the flow of ideas in Williams' poem. Paul, thanks for the enlightening comments!
This game is harder than chess, Pascal. After reading Paul's comment many times and if I may suggest one of the many options for this lovely haiku:A rainbow at night?The sudden light is reflectedOn a shattered glass!
Yes, but the formula:X?It was Y!is a little bit overused (by everybody).I would also remove the "a" before "shattered."
Ok. I was wondering to use the moon (or stars) as source of light. And the lighter and lesser the words, the more I like the haiku :-)So how about:A rainbowUnder the moonlightOn shattered glass
What about this:Under the moonlit roadA rainbow sitsOn pieces of shattered glassI've added the road to give it more setting, and used "sits" as an unusual verb here; since it's night I'm assuming that the different pieces of glass reflect the moon with different colours.Maybe Pascal can comment on this more? It is his haiku after all...
Ah i see i am the black sheep of the family !!!I read, i learn...and will be back :)
Great !!!! :-)We are all learning from each other ;-) But please Pascal, will you fix the haiku as Paul suggested in the last comment. Thanks.