Monday, 28 February 2011

Spots

A thundering sound;
On the shutters
The hurried splatter of heavy drops

28/02/2011

4 comments:

  1. Nice; but I don't quite like the "Drops are spitted" structure, maybe because the agent remains unknown (to others this could be an advantage, so that's only my opinion).

    I would have rendered it like this:

    A roaring sound;
    On the shutters
    The hurried splatter of heavy drops

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  2. Hi Paul :-) When I first wrote it, it was "The clouds are spitting." Then I thought that the clouds were not visible to me, unperceived. I also related Roaring to Spitting (like some old people when then do a certain sound before spitting :)
    I like Shutters more than curtain and putting the Splattering action in the punch line too. Also the movement is better in your version and how you made the speed (hurried) and weight (heavy) be felt.

    May I put it this way?

    A thundering sound;
    On the shutters,
    Hurried splatter of heavy drops

    Thanks a lot Paul :-)

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  3. Yes, your version is great (maybe without the comma after "shutters," to keep the action going without the pause; you also need "The" before "hurried" for "splatter" to clearly remain a noun).

    Will you be also changing the title?

    P.

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  4. Ok.
    I will keep the title, it fits the description, unless you have a better idea.

    So the original haiku before modification:

    A roaring sound;
    Drops are spitted
    On the outside curtain

    Thanks Paul :-)

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