Monday, 7 February 2011

Hangover

Vast alcohol
entering the bloodstreams;
Awaiting the hangover


Thanks Paul for the invite!!

5 comments:

  1. Hello, Jasmine; you're most welcome!

    Can you also re-post your first haiku (the one at the bottom of the page)?

    ReplyDelete
  2. What do you think about the above "hangover" haiku?

    Or maybe I should have ended with "and the hangover is pending" ?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Welcome Jasmine! love your name :-)
    If I may suggest, in order to let the reader visualize or "guess" the moment with less clear and obvious words;

    The long night;
    Light juices are guilty
    Of a pending hangover

    Of course that is only one of the many options....

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank u carla :)

    Here's another try:

    Giggles and drinks
    On a late Saturday night,
    A big coincidence hits the train

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi Jasmine,

    Your first version is interesting, and I can see the potential for some good haiku; the second version is also promising in its first two lines, though the ending is, at least to me, too mysterious to understand. What happens actually?

    If the haiku is too mysterious, it "stays" with you and does not pass to your readers; if it is too clear, it doesn't trigger the "aha!" reaction of recognition.

    There's a delicate balance between transparent and opaque which I'm sure you'll get with time.

    Your first version is maybe too personal and inward-looking. Your reader may feel kept out of the instant you describe. Here again, there is a delicate balance between inside and outside, between private and public, which must also be developed.

    A haiku is, as I wrote in a previous comment, a subtle communication of an insight, what I call an "aha!" moment, from the writer to the reader.

    Like an electrical current, you are touched by something, and quickly transform it back into electricity (that's why the haiku is so short!) in the hope of touching the reader; if you are successful, the reader will hopefully feel the same shock and will also send it back to the moment around her, changing one's impression and reaction to life.

    I hope this helps, and please keep the haiku coming!

    ReplyDelete