Very nice, but I thought that your second line exposes the mystery too quickly, and stops the reader from doing their own work. Why not do it like this:A sudden breezeBrings snow out of nowhere:Ah! It was styrofoam...Now it looks like that famous haiku:A falling leafReturning to the branch?It was a butterflybut it's ok... :-)
I love this Buson haiku !! You are right !! A sudden breeze;Snow is scattered everywhereNo, it's styrofoam!
Before modification:The sudden breeze;I mistook scattered styrofoamFor falling snowAfter modification: (I preferred your first 2 lines ;) A sudden breezeBrings snow out of nowhere,No, it's styrofoam!
I used the semi-colon instead of the comma too .. Thanks! :)
What do you think of the difference between "No" and "Ah"?To me, "Ah" is more the expression of a satisfied realization; "no" is a denial. Denial of the snow as not being snow but styrofoam. But in fact, styrofoam "was" snow before you realized the mistake, so it's not really a "no," if you see what I mean. "Ah" is the Daoist/Zen acceptance of what is...
So true ... I saw the "No it's a butterfly" in a translated version and it felt negative at first ..The "Ah!" gives it more the "aha" moment without any judgement (if I'm right) ... So much to learn in the world of Haiku ... Thanks a lot!